Hey folks,

I have an ax to grind. Have any of you seen those handheld self scanners in the supermarkets? The basic principle is to allow the shoppers to scan their items while they shop, once in the checkout queue they simply hand the scanner to the cashier or pop it in the self checkout slot, and your total comes up, you pay the folks and leave. It’s great if you’re picking up a couple of items…easy in, easy out.

The market is packed. I’m zipping up and down the rows with scanner in hand. Having found everything I needed, I locate the shortest checkout queue and wait patiently as always. Alright maybe not always, the excessively chatty cashiers and self-indulgent navel-gazers have been known to send me into a blind rage.

Everything is going fine until the lady in front of me can’t figure out why her, and I quote, “Thingy” (scanner) doesn’t fit in the slot. I attempt to assist by telling her that she has it facing the wrong direction however she’s determined to put her life in peril and goes at it alone.

Now, we’re all familiar with the square peg/round hole theory. It applies to most things in life, this scanner debacle being the classic example. It doesn’t take a mental contortionist to reconcile the cognitive dissonance with this. Anyone with a basic sense of perception knows that no matter how many times you slam the effing “thingy” into the slot it’s not going to fit. But no, it was obvious that bit of elementary logic was lost on her or she was an agent of Satan sent to piss me off.

Just as I feel dark impulses arising, a manager comes over and, with utter contempt, informs the lady that she has the “thingy” turned in the wrong direction. Didn’t I mention this to her before my ice-cream sandwiches melted?

Someone fetch my ax!!!