It’s no secret that I have a crippling abhorrence for screaming bitchy children. Seriously, there are two stages of irritation I go through. Stage one: The first scream….the skin on the back of my neck bristles like a cat and the urge to punch someone overcomes me. The second scream….I instantly begin plotting the kid’s gruesome demise.

As I’m standing in the checkout queue at the local market (yes, I’m back at the market) patiently waiting to purchase my items when no less than two feet from behind I hear the wails of a baby. This baby sounded as if he were being killed. And since I was entering stage two of irritation (mentally plotting and planning), I was actually physically incapable of caring whether or not the kid was dying. Surely its mother would sort him out.

Then I hear this un-Godly scream and almost instantaneously, feel a pathetic, yet startlingly firm smack on the back of my head. It took me a few seconds to realize what had happened, that little bitchy baby just sucker punched me! I turned around to face the mother and my tiny attacker. Mom is desperately avoiding my gaze while “Iron Mike” is glaring at me, daring me to say something! Son of a bitch!! 

What was I supposed to do? Should I punch him back? Call the cops? A baby punched me…a baby punched me and got away with it.

So here’s the lesson folk: Be mindful of even your private thoughts because apparently some babies can read minds which in my humble opinion is just one more piece of evidence that supports the widely discussed theory that terrible screaming babies are the demon spawns sent to annihilate our mortal souls in service of the great and all powerful destroyer of all things holy and just---Lucifer, the fallen angel himself.

I got checked by an infant!! Oh the shame....