This may come as a shock to most of you but I have a dirty mouth. It’s not a normal dirty mouth, I mean it’s really really filthy. I once had an editor who was certain a female hadn’t written my sex scenes. “Women don’t write like this,” said the guy.

I do! I write what I like with the exception of anal. For those scenes I consult Precious; she helps me in that regard. I take her my work and she tells me if I’ve got it wrong & walks me through correcting the horrifying steps of butt-fuckery whilst I sit rocking and repeating “bloody hell” until her lips stop moving. Oh I’m getting faint just thinking about it.

Okay, back on topic: My big filthy mouth. So, my fellow author friends, we call ourselves “The Nut Bunch”, were chatting about purple prose. Mind you, these folks come from all genres. Surprisingly, I was voted the dirtiest but I’m appealing the ruling. It just reeks of Victorian bias.

One thing we all agreed on was that none of us write our mother’s romance novels and we’re damn proud of it! We started throwing out lame lingo from some of those novels and by the end (like most writers) we’d assembled teams and established rules and a point system for our little game. Who could come up with the most horrific lingo ever found in erotic romance. Below are a few terms I haven’t repressed.

“delicate flower”
“hide the sausage”
“luncheon truncheon”
“meat injecting”
“chucking the spam javelin”
“spearing the bearded clam”
“getting stabbed with the beef bayonet”
“rumpy pumpy”
“nookie”
“bonking”
“giving the dog a bone”

If your face is drawn up like a prune then your reaction is spot-on. I felt the same way…and my team won. It makes you wonder if these people have in fact had sex. Ewan Morrison once said: Write from experience, not fantasy. Fantastical sex scenes are hilarious, shallow and awful….If you don’t have the experiences to enrich your writing, go out and get them or stop trying to write sex scenes.

I wouldn’t go that far but I see his point. Here's where you all come in. If you have some off the wall lingo/terms you’d like to add to the list please comment away!

BTW: Greg if you’re reading this (and I know you are) please know that if you ever creep up on me talking about “Stabbing my delicate flower with your beef bayonet” it’ll be the last thing you do. I know how you think...;-)