Why are more women being drawn to Kink?
- By Tracy Ames
- Published November 13, 2009
Tracy Ames
Mrs. Ames is an international bestselling author of interracial erotic fiction and a former columnist for several newsletters and magazines.
A native of the San Francisco Bay Area, Tracy currently split time between CT & New York City with her husband, children and a host of pets.
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My answer to that question is I don’t really know. I can offer my opinion but it’s just that, my opinion. I believe more vanilla women are willing to incorporate elements of Kink into their lifestyle is because, generally speaking, Kink is a little naughty and very flexible. By that I meaning you can pick and choose which elements you’d like to attempt without buying whole Kinky pie.
Some may want to exchange the D/s element for light restraint (these two are completely separate however they can be combined but one don’t equal the other). Whatever you choose can work within the boundaries of your relationship.
As far as D/s goes, to properly answer this question one has to address it from both the Dom and submission standpoint. The reason most women want to play a more submissive role in the bedroom is pretty common: Surrender of Control.
It allows women to fantasize about being sexual without being accountable for their actions. If you’re tied up, you’re not in control of what happens to you and must do whatever is required of you. If you’re not in control, you still remain a "good girl" even during the naughtiest of sex acts. These fantasies allow women to be openly sexual and explore different aspects of their sexuality that maybe lost in real life.
It’s also a way of “letting go”. With more women taking on dominant roles outside of the bedroom, the surrender of control therein provides escapism---a way of disconnecting if but momentarily.
From the Domme aspect, these women are taking a dominate role in their sex lives because this role allows them to shed the damsels in distress act and transform into a female protagonist. They’re one dishing out the orders for a change. They get what they want, using whatever means it takes. Very hot! Believe it or not, men love this because it gives them a chance to unwind.
Mind you, these are only two examples of the wide world of Kink. There’re so many different pieces that can be added to your current relationship. It’s like a Kinky smorgasbord of sorts!
Can you be into Kink without being into BDSM?
Yes, BDSM is a compound acronym derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B/D), dominance and submission (D/s), sadism and masochism (S&M). For this reason Kink fall under the BDSM umbrella but, in actuality, can be removed just as easily. Trust me, this is a sticking point with Kinksters who constantly have to delineate the differences between the two.
Do you have to be a Kinkster 24/7 to enjoy some of the tasty bits?
No, you don't have to be a Kinkster 24/7. Cool huh? If you’re interested in some of the physical elements I’d advise you to research and ask questions about the act before attempting. For instance choking can be dangerous if not done properly.
I received a ton of emails from readers questioning why I allowed Mark to choke Sydney in the first installment of “Beg Me”. My answer: “because she liked it and he knew what he was doing. Sydney was in no danger”. Kinky choking is done with the fingertips NOT the whole hand...the side of the neck NEVER the front!! You can’t just go around choking people. Duh!
Keep the questions coming and I'll continue to answer. Peace!
Some may want to exchange the D/s element for light restraint (these two are completely separate however they can be combined but one don’t equal the other). Whatever you choose can work within the boundaries of your relationship.
As far as D/s goes, to properly answer this question one has to address it from both the Dom and submission standpoint. The reason most women want to play a more submissive role in the bedroom is pretty common: Surrender of Control.
It allows women to fantasize about being sexual without being accountable for their actions. If you’re tied up, you’re not in control of what happens to you and must do whatever is required of you. If you’re not in control, you still remain a "good girl" even during the naughtiest of sex acts. These fantasies allow women to be openly sexual and explore different aspects of their sexuality that maybe lost in real life.
It’s also a way of “letting go”. With more women taking on dominant roles outside of the bedroom, the surrender of control therein provides escapism---a way of disconnecting if but momentarily.
From the Domme aspect, these women are taking a dominate role in their sex lives because this role allows them to shed the damsels in distress act and transform into a female protagonist. They’re one dishing out the orders for a change. They get what they want, using whatever means it takes. Very hot! Believe it or not, men love this because it gives them a chance to unwind.
Mind you, these are only two examples of the wide world of Kink. There’re so many different pieces that can be added to your current relationship. It’s like a Kinky smorgasbord of sorts!
Can you be into Kink without being into BDSM?
Yes, BDSM is a compound acronym derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B/D), dominance and submission (D/s), sadism and masochism (S&M). For this reason Kink fall under the BDSM umbrella but, in actuality, can be removed just as easily. Trust me, this is a sticking point with Kinksters who constantly have to delineate the differences between the two.
Do you have to be a Kinkster 24/7 to enjoy some of the tasty bits?
No, you don't have to be a Kinkster 24/7. Cool huh? If you’re interested in some of the physical elements I’d advise you to research and ask questions about the act before attempting. For instance choking can be dangerous if not done properly.
I received a ton of emails from readers questioning why I allowed Mark to choke Sydney in the first installment of “Beg Me”. My answer: “because she liked it and he knew what he was doing. Sydney was in no danger”. Kinky choking is done with the fingertips NOT the whole hand...the side of the neck NEVER the front!! You can’t just go around choking people. Duh!
Keep the questions coming and I'll continue to answer. Peace!
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6 Responses to "Why are more women being drawn to Kink?" 
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said this on 13 Nov 2009 2:14:25 PM CDT
Thank you Tracy, some of us tried to explain these differences to one of the clueless but he just SWEARS we are oh so wrong.
I like to be in control in other aspects of my life, I really have no patience for weak, stupid or whining people if something needs to be done either do it or get the hell out my way, I'll do it. Kink centers me, it brings me to a position of calmness and allows me to be strong in other areas of my life. Having a strong man to take charge, put me first and yes sometimes tie me down comforts me reaffirms to my pysche this person is strong to handle all of me not just the sexual me. |
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said this on 13 Nov 2009 3:35:25 PM CDT
No problem Carol. Your story is quite common: contolled in regular life but willingly to hand over the wheel in the bedroom.
You're spot-on in your assessment of calmness that comes from Kink. In many ways Kink does center you. Sadly we are normally first exposure to it when we hear of some American business man going to Thailand to get spanked, which for some people can put a negative blockage in their minds that's hard to get around. For me Kink is, like you mentioned, calmness. I'm pretty controlling when it comes to my writing and when dealing with my "students". So when I need to unwind, Greg needs to bring it and he has no problem doing so. Thank goodness. But Kink also works for him because he is has to be 110% alpha male in his career and dealing with his family (he holds the key to the family trust fund). Sometimes he needs to hand me the wheel and relax. Kink is good! |
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said this on 13 Nov 2009 9:04:09 PM CDT
we started getting a yr ago and I agree it is liberating.....I have some questions but I will msg u later...
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said this on 13 Nov 2009 10:05:31 PM CDT
Ask all the questions you'd like. You have my email address right? authortracyames@gmail.com
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said this on 15 Nov 2009 4:10:27 AM CDT
Tracy,
This is the first time I have been exposed to kink. I appreciate you explaining the different elements of involded. It helps to clarify that whole S&M and B&D situation, and that you can take parts out and start slow without the thought of having to be strung up, hog tied, and beat with a belt with nails in it, which is what my impression of what kink was. |
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said this on 15 Nov 2009 4:42:30 AM CDT
Not a problem at all, I'm glad I could shed some light on the subject. I realized early on that, while the readers enjoyed the first installment of "Beg Me", this would also be their first glimpse of Kink.
Now the strung up, hog tied, and beat with a belt with nails bits are more along the lines of pure B/D and S&M. It's not as horrible as one would imagine. |