I don't well understand english or the american new yorker dialect as like my primary language, but about boudhism and the suffering notion to share : sometime that it is just too in the way to feel & to think different & new in our life, but the change give suffering to our uses...
So Marine Tracy, You're in new mission, keep the line & go ahead, & You're not just a drop of water in the ocean, so...

Tracy I know that the lose of your mentor will always cause you pain. But I can truely say---> thanks to you and Greg I have been looking into Buddhism and it has helped me in my own lose. Since I am a novice I am going to use the line that gives me comfort: death is not the end of life, it is merely the end of the body we inhabit in this life, but our spirit will still remain and seek out through the need of attachment, attachment to a new body and new life. Tracy most girl's are a daddy's girl or momma's girl but me it was my Paw-Paw (grandfather) I was like his shadow cause where he went I was there plus he was my back bone and if i needed him he was there and vise versa. Yet, what hurt me the most is when he died cause he knew it was going to happen and so did I but I brushed it off. Since looking into Buddhism I take comfort in the fact that he is with me in spirit<----So Tracy even though you cannot feel or see Brendan but he is always with you. Sorry for the long post and i hope my words helped.

I'm so glad Momma Ames was there when you needed a cry. Sometimes no words are needed just a good shoulder to cry on. That dark place some of us have been challenges us to find inner strength to pull ourselves out. (I'll tell you about my journey later; it'll give you a laugh)

as promised TA here's my family story: my brother died when he was 14 of leukemia, over 27 years ago. it was unexpected and by the time it was diagnosed it had spread. my mother opt not to have chemo done because there was a very small chance it would be successful and my brother had said he was too tired and wanted the pain to stop. (My brother was GQ material with a name like Walston Edward McIntosh he would have gone far in life :-). he wasn't just mouth dropping handsome but he had a heart of gold. we teased him that the world wasn't ready for such perfection as he was, which was why God needed him) anyway he did pass a few days later, it was hard on the family us younger ones (including Wally my mother had 7 kids I being the baby) understood that Wally was in heaven. for about two weeks my older sister took the role of mother because my mom had fallen into such a dark place. the night she pulled on her life line, the island had a black out and there was a full moon with clear sky. the next morning mom was back, she said the night before she saw Walston and he told her he was no longer in pain and he was happy. he reminded her we, her other kids needed her and he would always be with her. For everyone who's lost a love one and believe in a higher power take Lonestar song I'm already there to heart " take a look around, I'm the sunshine in your hair, I'm the shadow on the ground. I'm the whisper in the wind. I'm your imaginary friend.... I'm already there."



NOW THE FOLLOWING IS MY STORY OF MY LOST (you will either laugh, cry and call the cops) My story isn't about losing a person but my lost of my marriage. every girl believes in happily ever after and i thought i found mine. so i married the "one" (yeah right). i was in the Army and the marriage fell within my life/career path. The month of the marriage my son was conceived. i have no recollection of how this happen, lets just say i can got more sparks from rubbing two rocks together than from "the one" and libido flat lined shortly after. i was a soldier, a student, a mother and wife and i tried to give my all into the duties. (I'm going to make this as short as possible, i hope) anyway over the years the one and i grew apart, until we were 2 strangers living under the same house. the reason i stayed with him for as long as i did was because of my son-biggest mistake. the light was finally turned on when i admitted to myself i deserve much more the one could possible give me he didn't have the basic knowledge of what is was to be a man. my son deserve to know what a husband/wife relationship should be. i would have failed him if i allowed him to think what we had was the norm. so i initiated divorce proceeding (the fool claimed he didn't know there was a problem until he was served) now at this point i had left the army and moved the the UK after my last deployment. the school my son was enrolled in was excellent and i didn't want to move him again. so that's when the claws came out and the one, his family and friends were determine to drag my name and honor through the mud. i got over that because the rumors were so far fetch and laughable but the moment he started to talk BS to my son about me the devil in me came forth. so it was time for me to seek revenge. the quieter i become the deadly my thoughts are. so my woman's wrath planned my revenge a lady's choice poison (yep i had a perfect plan to get rid of my problem permanently. it couldn't be messy and i wanted something slow) so i ensured the life insurance plan was updated and set about to fulfill my plan. my psychology, human anatomy/physiology, microbiology and botany studies came in handy lol. Tracy, I'm not crazy but don't ever cross me and once my son was involved i saw red. the poison of choice cyanide, that's all I'm going to say :-). my saving grace was my son out of the blue he came to me one day sat on my lap, kissed me and told me i was the best mom and i was his favorite friend and he was proud of me. when i asked why he was proud of me he said because i loved him. OK i don't know how far i would have gone with my plan but we'll never know lol. I've moved on to bigger and better things. so TA i do appreciate your work because it's my medication for my flat lined libido.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Tracy. After the initial sting of loss, people tend to try to straighten their shoulders and plod on. Our survival instinct is to push down the feelings that make us sad. In truth, no one should EVER feel embarrassed when those feelings erupt to the surface. Sometimes sharing our feelings with others is what we need to deal with them. I'm glad that you and Momma Ames were there for each other and not left alone with your respective pain.

On a personal note, I appreciate what you've brought to my life. Never doubt that. *HUGS*

Hi Tracy, I feel some of your pain. I lost my very best friend suddenly last summer. We've been best buds since childhood. She went to the hospital complaining of shortness of breath and died 3 days later. She was only 35 and left behind a 2 year old. I still cry, everyday I cry; a year later it still hurts. My Hubby- Greg :-) has been a trooper, he let's me cry when the mood hits and hugs me through it. Her last email to me was a note saying that we needed to plan a family vacation because she was so stressed out over work.....Everyone keeps saying it will get easier but so far...I love you for sharing your personal feelings with us. Hugs are always available when you need one.

Tracy I lost my baby sister when she was 27 years old. There was eight kids and she was the youngest. We were the closest out of all of my brothers and sisters, and it has been over 15 years since her death, yet it is still hard to think of her as being gone. We talked everyday, I lived in Louisiana at the time and she was in San Antonio. She had just graduated from nursing school got her first job and a month later she was no longer with us. We were devasated, and it took me longer than the rest of the family to accept it. I was just thinking about her earlier today while I was online, somethng I was reading reminded me of her and tears came to my eyes.

I'm glad that you and Mama Ames were able to be there for each other. I like Vicki I was very close to my grandfather. He was always the first one I went to for advise or when I had a problem. I knew I could always depend on him. When he got lung cancer I kind of went in denial that he would get better. I just couldn't handle the thought of him dying. When he died at first I was ok. Then like 3 weeks after his funeral out of no where I had a total melt down and couldn't stop crying. I went into depression I couln't seem to shake. But then one night I had dream about him and he smiling and seemed happy. I truly felt that was his way of telling me he was at peace and not to be sad or mourn him. That brought me sense of comfort. I felt like that even in death he was still taking care of me and was with me in sprit. He passed away 15 years ago and still think about somtimes like on his birthday or christmas becasue it was his favorite holiday. Eventhough the feeling of loss never completely fades but now when I remeber him I smile instead cry. I'm sure that at some point it will be that way for you also about your freinds. The pain and loss will ease up and not feel so heavy on your heart

Thanks Jules. Bren was such a big part of my life...I called him my second husband. It all happened so suddenly. And yes, people do come into your life for a reason...we don't often know their purpose but there's no doubt they'll leave their fingerprint on you.

So I'm going to cry snot-nosed tears until it gets easier and lean on the folks around me when I can stand on my own. I'm truly blessed to have my MIL...she's an amazingly strong and endearing Lady.

just realized how many conclusions could be drawn from the phrase "Miami fun". To be clear i wasn't snorting coke and sawing limbs off with a chainsaw.

There aren't any words to fill the spaces that are left in the wake when people leave you behind-so I won't offer any. It's not so much that we want to follow close behind, but their loss leaves an ache.

We kind of look at life the same way so hopefully you know where I am coming from. Tracy, you are frighteningly amazing and you are often my touch stone of sanity, and when I need a bit of a laugh. Transitions make us reflect, maybe make us a little somber. You're ok lady...