The Informal Formality of Kink
- By Tracy Ames
- Published August 31, 2010
Tracy Ames
My name is Tracy Ames. I’m an author of interracial erotic fiction. My stories are a sensual feast for your senses; mind, body and soul.
I began writing short stories for monthly newsletters and, believe it or not, my friends. After much encouragement, I’m ready to offer you a taste of what only a few have previously savored.
A native of the San Francisco Bay area, I currently split time between Greenwich CT & New York City with my husband, young daughter and a host of pets.
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I receive a ton-o-mail from readers curious about Kink. The inquiries are pretty basic: How to get involved, safety tips, and questions of etiquette. Bloody hell, where do I start?
In this post, I’ll address initial meeting etiquette. To be honest, the differences between Kink etiquette and the norm are very little—save the threat of being utterly humiliated and flogged…at the same time…and not in the good way.
Formality differs from person to person however there are a few hard and fast ‘rules’ to keep in mind. These tips apply to vanilla subs (male or female) unless otherwise mentioned.
Say you’ve been invited to a munch* or happen to be at a Kink club/gathering. You see a striking Dom you’re compelled to meet:
DO NOT:
Throw yourself at their feet and gravel
Address them as Mistress or Master
Unleash a stream of compliments
Bad mouth other Doms
Babble on about the hours you spend reading and/or wanking to their blogs
Ask for their phone number
Ask personal questions (family & sexual questions are cardinal sins)
Offer to be their personal ashtray for the evening
Insult their sub(s) present or not
Touch or come on them in any way shape or form (not even a handshake)
Ask to have a picture taken with them
Monopolize their time (avoid long, loud, & lewd)
Brag to your friends that you’ve met them (bragging/name-dropping is a no-no)
Approach them, drink in hand and insist they drink
Burst into tears
Read off your Kink CV (resume) to them
DO:
Introduce yourself when there’s a break in conversation or have the host introduce you.
Bookend your conversation by addressing them as sir or ma’am**
Be sincere and respectful when paying compliments (limit it to two)
When mentioning their blog/site/articles, refer to a specific point/post
Be brief unless they open further conversation
Carry yourself with confidence. Doms abhor ‘five minute rollovers’
Acknowledge their sub(s) with a simple hello
Offer to replenish their drink if no sub is present but don’t push it***
Keep the conversation positive
Adhere to social cues. Excuse yourself if another Dom approaches—stay if asked
Give them your email info, but don’t expect to hear from them again
If asked, mention a couple of your interest. Be thorough but brief as most Doms will indulge you
Dom to Dom:
Welcome to the club, newbies!! Dominants have a natural ‘Try me’ vibe. Don’t attempt to conceal it by acting silly or overaggressive. You’re failure to do so will result in eye rolls. Here’s an easy way to look at it: Remember your first day on the job? You spent the day feeling people out; you were respectful yet determined to stake your claim. Introducing yourself Dom to Dom is much the same.
Introduce yourself politely without sir and ma’am (unless addressing a legacy, in which case try not to piss yourself) and wing it and relax. In the end, offer your email address. Most times we’ve exchanged addresses. Don’t hesitate to ask to be added as a contact. Also, giving your info to a particular Dom isn’t considered an insult. Like I said, wing it.
I hope this helps. Please let me know if you have any questions.
*A munch is the simplest, quickest way to meet Kinksters of all levels in a safe environment that’s grounded in reality. Think of them as kick-ass socials! People come and talk about Kink however you’ll most likely hear conversations about non-Kink hobbies, holiday plans, books and movies, and so on. Munches put a human face on the community while affording newbies a chance to scope things out. No sex is involved…Period. That’s just wrong!
**Mistress/Master are reserved for their subs. Do not repeat sir and ma’am throughout the conversation. That’s just weird.
***Offering to do anything for a Dom with a sub present is extremely disrespectful to the sub. I’ve since subs dissolve into tears over a glass of Coke. Subbies, gotta love’em.
In this post, I’ll address initial meeting etiquette. To be honest, the differences between Kink etiquette and the norm are very little—save the threat of being utterly humiliated and flogged…at the same time…and not in the good way.
Formality differs from person to person however there are a few hard and fast ‘rules’ to keep in mind. These tips apply to vanilla subs (male or female) unless otherwise mentioned.
Say you’ve been invited to a munch* or happen to be at a Kink club/gathering. You see a striking Dom you’re compelled to meet:
DO NOT:
Throw yourself at their feet and gravel
Address them as Mistress or Master
Unleash a stream of compliments
Bad mouth other Doms
Babble on about the hours you spend reading and/or wanking to their blogs
Ask for their phone number
Ask personal questions (family & sexual questions are cardinal sins)
Offer to be their personal ashtray for the evening
Insult their sub(s) present or not
Touch or come on them in any way shape or form (not even a handshake)
Ask to have a picture taken with them
Monopolize their time (avoid long, loud, & lewd)
Brag to your friends that you’ve met them (bragging/name-dropping is a no-no)
Approach them, drink in hand and insist they drink
Burst into tears
Read off your Kink CV (resume) to them
DO:
Introduce yourself when there’s a break in conversation or have the host introduce you.
Bookend your conversation by addressing them as sir or ma’am**
Be sincere and respectful when paying compliments (limit it to two)
When mentioning their blog/site/articles, refer to a specific point/post
Be brief unless they open further conversation
Carry yourself with confidence. Doms abhor ‘five minute rollovers’
Acknowledge their sub(s) with a simple hello
Offer to replenish their drink if no sub is present but don’t push it***
Keep the conversation positive
Adhere to social cues. Excuse yourself if another Dom approaches—stay if asked
Give them your email info, but don’t expect to hear from them again
If asked, mention a couple of your interest. Be thorough but brief as most Doms will indulge you
Dom to Dom:
Welcome to the club, newbies!! Dominants have a natural ‘Try me’ vibe. Don’t attempt to conceal it by acting silly or overaggressive. You’re failure to do so will result in eye rolls. Here’s an easy way to look at it: Remember your first day on the job? You spent the day feeling people out; you were respectful yet determined to stake your claim. Introducing yourself Dom to Dom is much the same.
Introduce yourself politely without sir and ma’am (unless addressing a legacy, in which case try not to piss yourself) and wing it and relax. In the end, offer your email address. Most times we’ve exchanged addresses. Don’t hesitate to ask to be added as a contact. Also, giving your info to a particular Dom isn’t considered an insult. Like I said, wing it.
I hope this helps. Please let me know if you have any questions.
*A munch is the simplest, quickest way to meet Kinksters of all levels in a safe environment that’s grounded in reality. Think of them as kick-ass socials! People come and talk about Kink however you’ll most likely hear conversations about non-Kink hobbies, holiday plans, books and movies, and so on. Munches put a human face on the community while affording newbies a chance to scope things out. No sex is involved…Period. That’s just wrong!
**Mistress/Master are reserved for their subs. Do not repeat sir and ma’am throughout the conversation. That’s just weird.
***Offering to do anything for a Dom with a sub present is extremely disrespectful to the sub. I’ve since subs dissolve into tears over a glass of Coke. Subbies, gotta love’em.
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4 Responses to "The Informal Formality of Kink "
said this on 31 Aug 2010 6:24:53 PM CDT
I swear I love this site. You give tips for everything from cooking to kink. It's like you're a domina June Cleaver. Lol I will most certainly have questions, I like to learn about new cultures and this one is definitely intriguing to say the least.
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said this on 31 Aug 2010 6:39:32 PM CDT
LOL! I'm a Domina June Cleaver! That's going on my CV. I don't mind answering questions. I'd rather people be informed rather than lost. I lucked out...Bren was amazing.
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said this on 31 Aug 2010 8:38:49 PM CDT
Very interesting-the world of the sub is what piques my interest. BTW whatever happened with Ned from your past blog “career ending mess”
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said this on 31 Aug 2010 8:57:49 PM CDT
It is a very interesting world. Most subs are cool...and some are pretty high strung. Ned is doing okay. They're working very slowly on a non-Kink relationship. It's so cute watching them baby-step around towards each other. Seriously, they're clueless. LMAO!
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