What happened to real men? Where the heck have they gone and when are they coming the hell back!? Seriously, is it me or does there seem to be a dearth of masculine looking men? Where are the Denzel Washington’s, Sean Connery’s, and Russell Wong’s?

Yes, Gerard, Hugh, Clive, and George are holding Fort Manly quite well but it’s only a matter of time before Justin Bieber and his merry band of panty-clad emos breach their defenses…aka convince right thinking men that it’s okay to flat iron and Aqua-Net their hair to the bejeezus. Fare thee well, gentlemen—fare thee well.

This shift towards male femininity has nothing to do with sexual orientation so much as it men feeling increasingly comfortable with their mastery of styling products. Personally, I want my man to tremble in his boots when he sees my setting lotion and so should you. At no time should he be tempted to use it, move it, or sniff it.

There was a time, we’ll call them the good old days, when a misplaced flat iron was considered class-A misdemeanor and warranted a threatening midday phone lecture from your man. Nowadays the male victims will simply remove said article from the bathroom counter and carry on with his day, while leaving said female unpunished for her gross negligence. Warning Guys: Give her an inch, and she’ll take a mile.

Moving on….Where were we? Oh, feminine looking men.

Granted, Greg’s pretty hairless however he’s a tri-athlete. Tri-athletes are awarded a special hairless pass because of their swimming. I’m no fan of hairy men* but I’ll concede that no man, save aforementioned or burn victims, should be hairless at anytime. If a man should take it upon himself to disobey this lawful ordinance, the general populous (women) are well within their rights when kicking some hairless ass.

And moms should be on the lookout for any suspect twatness in their sons. Yes, that twiggity-twat Justin Bieber and his crew of twat-o-philes are on a mission to snatch your dear boy’s masculinity and leave you with a mirror hogging drama queen. Be ever vigilant, Ladies, as these bastards are relentless!

Should your tyrannical grip ever cause you a twinge of guilt, ask yourself: Do I want grandchildren someday? The answer will undoubtedly be a resounding yes—in that case this JB movement must be crushed! You owe it to your future daughter in-law. Trust me, I don’t know her but we’ve spoken and she wants you to know that every night she’s lulled to sleep by your son’s emo weeping and it’s getting old!!

Well, my late night rambling is over. Wake me when the men return.


* I actually boycotted an ex’s hair. It worked like a charm!


 Sex Symbols?! I'll sew my legs shut!!!