Okay Ladies, now that we’re alone, have you seen this load of effin’ absurdity? As if your monthly wasn’t be stressful enough, Elsayx, the makers of Vintage Sexy Women Sanitary Belts, have resurrected a long-buried torture device and slapped a doily on it!




I’m not pissing vinegar, folks! This shit is real and apparently selling like hotcakes. That’s right, for 18.90 you can step back in time and literally feel what your grandmothers felt. Only this time, you’re doing it in style, sister! Bing cherries not your thing? Don’t get your panties in a bunch*—Elsayx also has figure flattering polka dots. No more Hickory Brand Belts for you, girlfriend. Blimey!

*Pun totally intended!

Seriously, the only hickory that’s going between my legs is firmly attached to my husband's nether region. And even he steers clear when 'Aunt Flow' is visiting.

What were the advertisers getting at? The name alone reeks of a sinister plot against my cooter.

This isn't the first time they've tried to sell us a bill of goods. Guard your cooters, Ladies! They're attempting to make us look ridiculous... again!


Looking at the ad below, I have two semi related questions. What in the world would tempt a modern woman into purchasing a Vintage Sexy Women Sanitary belt? And what the hell does “The proof of merit is success in use” mean? Hey, I said they were semi related.

 


As you see, women have had one cruel contraption after another shoved between our legs by well-meaning manufactures. I’m all for progress. Hell, I’d give the person who invented the tampon a high five. Way to go! Stuff it and forget it, right? But I imagine after tying one of these puppies on, a woman sits back and listens to Emily Davison and other suffragists spinning in their cold graves.



Thanks to the Vintage Sexy Women Sanitary Belt, your period just got a whole lot weirder. I think I speak for every woman when I say. "Go to hell!"

Rant over.....