So, I’m doing some research for my next editorial piece about the growing predilection for incest based erotica when I stumbled upon this article on Actively Aware addressing emotional incest entitled: Emotional Incest, When Mommy Matters More Than Your Wife.

“There are many reasons why a husband puts his mother on a higher level than his wife, but I have found the most prevalent, by far, is emotional incest. Emotional incest occurs in childhood when a child’s emotional self is unwittingly violated.

This happens when the energy in the parent-child relationship gets mixed-up and, rather than the parent taking care of the child’s emotional needs, the child is somehow responsible for taking care of the emotional needs of the parent.”


Whoa! Immediately I began wondering how many people were unwittingly trapped in emotionally incestuous relationships and the impact it was having on them and those around them. In classic Tracy fashion, I run to my mom for her professional opinion. She absolutely agreed with the article and stated she’d seen this trend with far too many of her patients; most of which refused to acknowledge or address the problem as doing so would be a betrayal of their parent.

Her analysis of the behavior played directly into what the article went on to say:

“More often than not, the child is unaware of his “de-selfing.” Being the “little man of the house watching over mommy” or the “chosen child” sets the child up to feel special. Therefore, when describing their childhoods, adults who have been emotionally incested frequently are unable to identify any problems or unresolved issues from their pasts at all.

The emotional incest is often seen as “love,” even though there was an incredibly high price to pay for that “love”: the child must disconnect from his authentic self to please the parent.

Another problem with emotional incest is that it is so thorough. The child isn’t aware of the problem because it has been there almost since the day he was born. He has no other experience to compare it to. It is just “normal.””

Right about here is where I began looking at my relationship with my children. After a couple of hours of couch time with my mom and another hour of self-reflection, I’m proud to announce that I do not have emotionally incestuous relationships with my kids. Here’s to proper parenting!!

Kidding aside, I can see how someone could unconsciously slip into this mold. We want a strong connection with our kids. But there has to be a limit. My mom pointed out that emotionally incestuous relationships happen most frequently when the parent has a history of depression and/or psychological projection*, became a parent at an early age, and/or has an unstable relationship with their spouse and/or their parents, and when their parents have lived vicariously through them.

*GASPS!*

Her last statement brought to mind a line from Bill Watterson’s Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat
“Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched?”

To be perfectly honest, this whole thing has left a big fat juggernaut of a question mark pulsing before me. Greg doesn’t have an unhealthy attachment to Momma Ames so I can’t imagine being married to a man who has been emotionally molested. Where does one draw the line? How does a parent prevent this from happening?

Step one is to stop treating children like they're adults. Children are physical extensions of you, nothing more; emotionally, they do not represent, define, or validate you nor should they. By projecting your feelings, your past, and your shortcomings onto your children, you deprive them of their childhood and their future spouse of an emotionally available companion.

Just thought I’d share. That’s all!

*Psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defense mechanism where a person unconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, such as to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others have those feelings.

Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted unconscious impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them.