This post comes on the heels of a conversation Greg and I had yesterday about WASP double speak.

You’d think being married to one for a number of years would save me from shameful mishaps but you’d be wrong. I still manage to cock it up every now and then.

I used to think WASPs were two-faced but they’re not. Most often they’re brutally honest; they say things we wouldn’t*. Even still, WASPs will use flowery, polite terms—some meant sincerely, and some not so much.

The list below should assist you on your way to better understanding what the hell they’re saying. Enjoy!





What’s said: You’re more than welcome. No, really. Don’t mention it. *smile*

WASP translation: I’m really uncomfortable with your open expressions of gratitude. Please, for the love of God, stop saying thank you! (This happens ALL of the time to 50Mil. You can literally watch the panic cross his face.) 



What’s said: Dinner is on me. *snatches check from your grasping hands*

WASP translation: Yes, I only had a salad and you had a four course meal. But, on the off chance that someone I know is looking on, I won’t have you counting pennies in my presence. *discreetly slips Black Card to waiter*



What’s said: Nice sweater. Pringle's?

WASP translation: That’s not fucking Pringle's!




What’s said: Buffy hasn’t declared just yet. We’re giving her until the end of the year to decide which universities she’ll consider attending.

WASP translation: Holy crap, man! The buzzards are circling. She’s only fourteen—big deal! I was in nappies when I declared. Buffy’s mother needs to turn up the pressure! I'm giving her until the end of the end to sort this out. Why didn't you stop me from marrying that whore!?



What’s said: *To sales clerk* Grosgrain watchbands. That’s an option. Let’s come back to those.

WASP translation: Grosgrain?! Sell those High Street markups to Kanye West. I’m a Blue Blood, you boob! I’m going to walk away before I strangle you. Grosgrain indeed!



What’s said: You’re on your fourth child. Well that explains your glow.

WASP translation: A forth child. That explain why your body is in tatters. You might want to push away from the cucumber sandwiches…they go straight to your hips and by the looks of it, that’s the last thing you need. Although piling on a gross amount of weight can be seen as nature’s birth control. It’s up to you, really.



What’s said: You don’t have a close relationship with your father and he’s only said he’s proud of you once. Chin up.

WASP translation: Don’t worry. Most fathers love their children, and they’re damn proud of them. Although sometimes they have a funny way of showing it, most of them don’t know what to say or how to say it. They’re more afraid of disappointing you rather than the other way around. Be patient, he’s trying.



What’s said: Yale, huh? I’m sure that wasn’t your first choice. If so, well…. *long uncomfortable pause*

WASP translation: Yale?! First choice? It was your only choice, you drug addicted twat! You’ve let your family down big time, kiddo.



What’s said: I’ll have a gin and tonic. Hendrick’s, if you have it.

WASP translation: I don’t trust your taste in wine. Besides, if the evening goes tits up, I’ll be too wasted to notice. Fill ‘er up!



What’s said: My mother always did what she felt was best for her children.

WASP translation: We didn’t have a mother, we had an oxymoron! She looked nice but she was cold! Yeah, she did what she thought was best: she turned us over to our nanny, whom we affectionately called ‘Momma’, and stayed well away from us. Momma was our rock until that bitch oxymoron fired her for loving us too much! Momma!!!!!



* This is why 50Mil is so funny, he forgets his filter!