"Let me discuss chronic illness for a moment. As a society we don’t tolerate it very well. Our collective attention span for someone who is ill lasts about two weeks. After that they’re on their own.

From my own experience and talking to others with bad cancer or chronic illness, I’ve noticed a terrible trend. After a while, and only a relatively short while, people grow bored with you not getting any better and just drift off.

Phone calls stop. Visits stop. Emails stop. People drop you off their Facebook news feed. Eyes glaze when you say you are still not feeling well.

Who needs perpetual bad news?

This is an all too often common experience. I described once it to a psychologist, thinking myself very witty, as having all the lights in the house turned off one by one until you were in one dark room all alone; she said everyone described it like that. People withdraw, emotionally and physically.

You suddenly find a great and cold space about you where once there was support. For me there has been a single person who has made the effort to keep in daily contact with me, to see how I am, how I am feeling, and listen uncomplainingly to my whining. She has been my lifeline. She also suffers from terrible cancer and its aftermath, and has endured the same distancing of her friends.

The end result is, of course, that the sick simply stop telling people how bad they feel. They repress all their physical and emotional pain, because they’ve got the message loud and clear. People also don’t know how to help the sick and dying... "

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The above is a snippet from an article entitled “The Silence of the Dying” written by bestselling author Sara Douglass before cancer took her life on September 27, 2011. PLEASE read the entire article.

I followed Sara for a number of years, however this particular post sprang most readily to mind when one of my longtime readers asked why I haven’t chronicled my struggle with coming to grips with my Grandmother’s illness. Sara summed it up quite well: our collective attention span for someone who is ill lasts about two weeks. After that they’re on their own…people grow bored with you not getting any better and just drift off.

This is also true for people dealing with those who are dying. We need support, too. However, all too often, after we’ve allowed others to see us stripped of our polished armor and the initial sighs of concern taper off, people grow bored and go about their merry way leaving us feeling exposed, vulnerable, and asking ourselves why we even tried. But mostly we feel alone.

“The end result is, of course, that the sick simply stop telling people how bad they feel. They repress all their physical and emotional pain, because they’ve got the message loud and clear.”

I agree. When asked how I’m ‘holding up’, it’s easier to say I’m fine rather than I’m afraid; I feel my world crumbling under my feet; there are days I can’t get out of bed.

No one wants to hear that – nor would they know how to respond. What do you say to that? “Oh…um…yeah….Wow! Look at the time...take care…um…may the force be with you…er...I gotta go.”

What’s the point, right? People want fluffy bunnies hopping around fields of lavender, not the grizzly shit. I don’t believe everyone scatters because they’re bored or wish the person would just die already so we can get back to the fun stuff.

The awkwardness of not knowing what to say, and the subsequent feelings of quilt and ineptness keep some at bay.

Trust me, I know the helplessness associated with comforting those who are watching their loved one die. It sucks! It’s like watching them amble down the road of death holding their loved one’s hand knowing eventually they will reach a fork in the road, and they’ll have to pluck up their last fragments of strength to let their loved one go and continue their journey alone.

So we, the ones waiting to lose someone, say nothing of our heartache. We say we’re exhausted rather than depressed. We grow quiet—we get on with the business of getting on. I share A LOT with you guys. But this is why I don't chronicle this part of my life publicly. And I sincerely appreciate those of you who have emailed me offline. Thank you.



.....And now that I've bored you...