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Happy 4th!
- By Tracy Ames
- Published July 4, 2012
Happy 4th of July!My initial plan was to write a patriotic ode to our nation’s independence however, after a chat with my sister in-law, a glass of wine, and a couple of Benadryl things went in an entirely different direction.
This year I’ve decided to honor (objectify) a man who exemplifies all that’s great about our fine country and who has singlehandedly destroyed more ovaries than John Holmes.
That’s right. America’s weapon of mass seduction: Christopher Robert "Chris" Evans. Remember his name because you'll be screaming it once he flashes those pearly whites.
One is easily distracted by his physical majesty. But it’s his carefree bravado coupled with his talent and heavy doses of self-deprecating dorkiness, and insecurity* that makes him irresistible. How he gets through the day without crumbling under the weight of his own perfection defies logic.
Did I mention his smooth, sultry singing voice? Where some singers capture your heart, Chris reaches into the nether regions of your soul and makes love to you. In fact, his voice should be classified as the UNF because he’s mastered the art of simultaneously caressing your ears and your genitals.
Oohhh the body! I don’t know where to start. This man oozes sex appeal. He looks like the kinda person who’d sweep you off your feet, toss you around the bed mercilessly, and then pleasure you from head to toe. And I bet he’s into some kinky stuff. Luckily, he comes equipped for action. Observe his shoulder to waist ratio, that’s baby making material. Thank goodness Marvel threw in a slow motion booty shot. His ass deserves the Oscar for best cameo.
Have you seen his chest and arms? He can crush me with his cudgels any day. And those lips were made for kissing. I love the way they look when he says fondue. Seriously, could they be any hotter?! Since we’re talking about his mouth, how about that adorable sharky grin. That thing could cure cancer, end world hungry, and bring peace to the Middle East in an afternoon. Its abilities are limitless.
Let's talk about his wells of blue-grey-ish sexiness...aka his eyes. I wouldn't break eye contact so it's probably best we never meet, but I'm sure he's accustomed to women peering mindlessly at him. However, staring at him is risky business - he's been known to melt a room full of panties with a bat of his thick lashes and a puppy dog expression.
Bottom line, Chris is a pinch of naughty and nice which in my opinion epitomizes America. We have internal issues and we’re often obliged to project an image in stark contrast to reality. But people still wanna kick it with us and we’re also the first to extend a helping hand to those in need even when that means staying long after the cameras have stopped rolling and cleaning up someone else’s mess. Have a safe holiday.
* He’s socially awkward and doesn’t handle public attention very well. As a result, he suffers frequent panic attacks before appearances and prefers his real friends to the industry types.
Jane, I hope I did you proud. :)
Party Time Cancelled
- By Tracy Ames
- Published June 23, 2012
Due to rain, BC’s birthday party is officially cancelled. I can hear your sighs of disappointment.We planned an Avengers backyard BBQ with games and a maze from bales of hay. These kids love mazes. The bigger the better, and this year the guys outdid themselves. The maze is about 700-750 sqf. What the hell am I going to do with all this hay?
Anyway, BC was really looking forward to his party until the stupid rain ruined everything.
I thought he'd be broken up but he wasn't. He put on his costume and bounced around the house while Zora tracked down a Chuck E. Cheese they’ll allow them to wear their outfits.
All settled, right?
Wrong!
BC decided he doesn’t want all twenty-five kids to tag along – only Isaac and his little girl friend. The other kids, he said, can come over another time.
This boy is an old soul.
Me and My Shadow
- By Tracy Ames
- Published June 11, 2012
I wasn't sure if I should share this with you guys fearing it might come off silly but here goes.For the past year and a half, an inspiring writer has shadowed me, and not in a good way.
By ‘shadow’, I mean she mimics my personality, adopts my behavior, presents my ideas as hers, befriends my friends, routinely drops my name, and joins my social groups…all million of them.
I didn’t think much of it in the beginning because I couldn't fathom the idea of high functioning adult behaving in such a ludicrous manner. Since then, I've seen the light.
Even in the face of mounting evidence, I thought it was just me being hyper-sensitive. That was until others unaware of the situation approached me.
It’s extremely annoying and has become somewhat of a joke. For instance:
“Tracy, your friend is at it again. LOL!!”
“Girl, did you see what she did? People are high-fiving her for your ideas. Check her please!”
“Isn’t that the same thing you posted five minutes ago? Where’s your accreditation? She cut you out! LMAO!” (Thanks Mom.)
“I met this girl named ****. You guys have a lot of the same interests. You’d get along great.” (Of course, we would. She’s my effin’ shadow!)
“Y’all wearing the same shirt. Bwahh!”
These are just the tip of the iceberg. She recently wrote a story within a hair's breadth of “Spanked” in which she used my characters from “Fox and Hound”. Oh, yes she did! You know what that means!!!
She has even adopted my sense of humor, and tapped into my pattern of speech and writing style which I didn’t realize I had but, apparently, I do.
Sure, it’s laughable but it’s gotten out of hand. My nerves are fried to the point where I censor myself – I’m walking on egg shells. And frustration has turned to anger because I feel violated.
She doesn’t want to harm me – she wants to be me! What the hell is that about? I’m not that special. Trust me! So why is she inching into every corner of my life?
I know some of you don’t understand my plight. I’ll put it in gif form since I get into trouble when I explain things in human.
Consider this. Your co-worker hides behind corners, making note of your attire, then returns from lunch wearing the same outfit...everyday. You’re on the same committee, and they pawn your ideas off as theirs to the applause of the unwitting masses. Your words leave their mouth a nanosecond after they leave yours.
They join your place of worship to befriend your friends, and then pop up at cookouts with your potato salad - which, by the way, is now their potato salad. Your amusing stories are now their amusing stories. Your front yard is now their front yard. Your kids are now their kids. They walk, talk, eat, and sleep just like you. All the while, they’re smiling innocently.
Admit it. A lot of you just went from “I don’t get it.”…
...to “Get the fuck out!!”….
I'm at the end of my rope.
10 Popular Photo Poses That Need To Be Retired by Winona Dimeo-Ediger
- By Tracy Ames
- Published June 7, 2012
I promised my girlfriend I'd post this article earlier this week but never got around to it. Seriously, are people STILL doing this mess?I have bad pictures from back in the day. Lawd! They're beyond horrible! Remember basket weave braids? My best friend and I had matching hair, clothes, and jewelry.
Why didn't our moms stop us?
In one of the more troubling shots, we're wearing matching biker shorts (teal/black), Bart Simpson tee-shirts, and snow white British Knights with gold socks.
Mom!?!? What the hell??!!
Anyway, enjoy the article.
10 Popular Photo Poses That Need To Be Retired
Written by Winona Dimeo-Ediger
Thanks to Facebook we’re all looking at photos of our friends and family pretty much constantly. In some ways, this has made people better at taking and posing for photos — most of us know which side is our good side and which activities we probably shouldn’t document online — but it’s also highlighted some really awkward and annoying poses that, for whatever reason, are still going strong. Here are 10 popular photo poses we totally wouldn’t miss (full disclosure: I’m totally guilty of every single one of these).
Feel free to add your own nominations in the comments!
1. The Fake Candid. Where you’re pretending not to be paying attention to the camera and posing, but you totally are. In fact, often you’re the one holding the camera.
2. The “Will You Set Down That Tray Of Sizzling Fajitas And Take Our Picture?” Picture. Having the server take your picture at a restaurant always seems like a really good idea, until you see the results and realize the lighting is weird, everyone’s bloated, and whoever was sitting closest to the camera looks like a giant.
3. The Serial Killer Stare. So many guys on dating sites post pictures of themselves not only not smiling, but doing a straight-up serial killer vacant stare. It’s not cool or deep. It’s creepy.
4. The Prune. A few years ago Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen revealed that they achieved their signature pout by saying “prune” while being photographed, and the trend caught on. Let’s stick with “cheese,” shall we?
5. The Super Close-Up. I’m never sure what the rationale is behind this one, but it’s really only useful if you want a dermatologist to examine your pores.
6. The “We’re Having A Partaaaay!” Picture. Where you are pretending to have a kick-ass time at a party or event, whether or not you actually are. Usually accompanied by a “Woo!” sound effect.
7. The Pensive Portrait. Where someone else takes a picture of you staring off in the distance at the scenery and you try really hard to look “pensive” or “contemplative” but just end up looking stoned.
8. The Thug Life Picture. Almost always involves throwing fake gang signs. Always perpetrated by people who have never been anywhere near an actual gang.
9. The Myspace Pic. The self-portraits-in-the-bathroom-mirror epidemic began sometime around 2002 and is still going strong despite Myspace’s downfall. Please make it end.
10. Duckface. This is self-explanatory, right?
What other poses would you add to the list?
My add...The classic kneeling pose. Don't pretend you haven't pulled this one out of the bag!
7 Tips For Initiating Sex With Dignity by Sara Barron
- By Tracy Ames
- Published June 3, 2012
Hiya gang.I thought I'd share this article written by Sara Barron.
Number five had us in tears. “I AM IN NEW UNDERPANTS LET’S HAVE SEX NOW!” Yeah, that works...never!
Intimacy with our spouse isn't black and white, cut and dry, right or wrong, nor should it be compared to others.
That's not to say we shouldn't spice it up occasionally -- paint-by-numbers loving is boring as hell.
My point is this: a lot of these issues stem from the notion that our sex life doesn't measure up to others, that we are broken when in fact this isn't the case.
Enough of my chatter. Enjoy the article.
7 Tips For Initiating Sex With Dignity
Sara Barron May 30, 2012
Let me tell you about a thing that happened to me once: It was 2004. and I was 25 and out to dinner with a guy I’d been casually seeing for awhile. I was under the impression that, following our post-dinner drinks, we’d be going back to his place so we could … pick your euphemism why don’t you: Do the horizontal mambo, do it, bone. But then, as we exited the bar, he was all, “Well, I should really be getting home.”
I took this as an indication that he was shy – unsure of whether or not I was in the mood – and so I took it upon myself to throw my arms around his neck and say, “Whaaaaat? Nooooo! Don’t you want to have sex with me tonight? It’ll be … fun!”
Then I burped accidentally. I’m talking, like, right in his face.
Suffice it to say, I did not get laid this fateful night. I might have been a wee bit tipsy, and this might have caused the winning grovel/burping combo. However, I wasn’t so tipsy that I forgot what happened. It’s been burned in my mind ever since, and I promised myself, never again. I will never again attempt to get laid in so embarrassing a way. Below, a list of methods you can try that will spare you my same humiliating bout of rejection.
1. Clear the skedge. If you plan to initiate sex in a manner that is dignified, you’re going to need time; a good, healthy window of time. I know, I know, I know, you’ve got work from 9 to 6. You’ve got to get to the gym before work. And then after work … where even to begin? On Mondays, you have your class on the history of sheep’s milk cheese. On Wednesdays, you’ve got your class on how to self-publish your memoir. All that’s fine, but bear in mind, nothing says “I’m embarrassing myself” quite like a poorly pursued quickie. “Hey: I feel like I’ve got a good 20 minutes before I head to work/ fall asleep/want to watch my favorite show. Wanna, you know, do it?” “No thank you, good sir. I think I’d rather masturbate.”
2. A good straddle. Sometimes you just gotta yee-haw-it, you know? Wait for that listless look to spread across your date/boyfriend/husband’s face (i.e. don’t practice this move if he’s transfixed by the television) and hop on board! Move gracefully, but also decisively. You’re not a stripper, remember, you’re just you. So straddle and say, “I’d like to have sex. Are you up for such a thing?” and then, should the mood strike, laugh at your terribly amusing pun.
3. Display the desire. Hear me out on this next one. My boyfriend has been known to waddle down the stairs without any pants on. He will sit down on a chair across from where I’m sitting in the living room. He will be – how do you say it? – aroused. Yes. He’ll be visibly aroused. Lest I fail to notice said arousal, he will point to it and say, “Just sayin’, lady. I am just sayin’.” Is this method ridiculous? Of course. The thing is, though, it’s also quite charming in its way, demonstrative of a good sense of humor and directness. And this makes it oddly effective.
4. Watch a decent sex scene. I don’t mean porn necessarily. If that’s what you’re into, go for it. For me personally, though, I can’t enjoy it. It’s not that I’m too prudish, I don’t think, it’s just that it’s all too … violently exploitative for my taste, and fails to turn me on. A decent, well-shot sex scene though? Those can be helpful. “Mulholland Drive” has got some good business in it. “Unfaithful.” “8 Mile.” The bits with Justin Timberlake in “Black Snake Moan.” So you and yours should snuggle up on the couch and indulge. With a bowl of popcorn, of course, provided you haven’t indulged in any Mexican or Indian take-out.
5. Buy new undies. Go and buy new undies. Whatever suits you that’s flattering. Perhaps there are ruffles involved, perhaps it’s more boy-short-y. Now choose a moment to cavalierly parade around. Not in a manner that’s too high-pressure, mind you. Not like, “I AM IN NEW UNDERPANTS LET’S HAVE SEX NOW!” Rather like, you throw on your new wares and wander casually into the kitchen and say, “Sweetheart, have you by chance seen that … oh, what? Why, yes: They’re new.” A variation on the classic “This old thing?” shtick, it says “let’s do this,” in a manner that is clear but not embarrassingly explicit.
6. Bottom-line it. This tactic, I think, is often under-rated. The key is owning your feelings in lieu of appearing in any way unsure/unconcerned. The urge will strike you to do the deed, and you will articulate that urge. You will text if you’re apart, talk in person if you’re together. You’ll say, “I am dying to have sex with you. That’s the deal. What do you say?” This is an infinitely more alluring presentation than, whilst watching TV, whilst scratching mindlessly at your genitals, turning to your partner and saying, “You don’t want to have sex by any chance do you? I’m just … well, I’d be into it. If you’d be into it.”
7. Regulate: Nothing makes initiating sex harder than if you haven’t done so in awhile. The longer you and your S.O. go without sex, the weirder it is to ask him/her if he/she wants to have it now, the more belabored a project it becomes. To initiate sex with dignity, one needs to be initiating sex with regularity.
Now get busy!!
"The One" update! *Please Read*
- By Tracy Ames
- Published May 22, 2012
I must have been half asleep when I posted "The One" because I left out an entire page. Yep, page two was missing!
I caught the mistake only minutes ago while replying to your comments. I couldn't understand why Janelle was so hated and Van so loved. Well, her background story (the root of her evil) is on the missing page! Grrr!!!
Sorry about that - the mistake has been corrected.
Sherece, I don't know how I missed it. Thanks for editing. (hugs)
"The One"
- By Tracy Ames
- Published May 10, 2012
Hiya Gang,I've been hella busy these last few days. Yeah, I was supposed to take some time off but my brain nor my lit group wouldn't allow that.
I've written a one-off entitled "The One". Actually, I wasn't going to post it at all since it was a suggested 'Ugly Duckling' exercise from one of the writers in our group.
My hero is the ugly duckling because I'm sick of reading about angst-ridden heroines. Guys go through their "less pleasant" stage also so why aren't there more stories depicting their insecurities - let's see how it changes them.
Chris Evans was my muse* because he's the epitome of an ugly duckling. He doesn't appeal to everyone and he suffers from crippling modesty. No, seriously, he's sudden celebrity triggers panic attacks.
Anyway, the story is being edited. I hope to have it up this weekend. Kisses!
Weird Dancing Chris...
*That's right, Captain America!
**UPDATE**
My sister in-law informed me that there wasn't nearly enough Captain America in this post so here you go...gratuitous Captain America. *smdh*
Feedback Desired
- By Tracy Ames
- Published May 4, 2012
Hiya Folks,“Sins of My Father” has moved into the unleashed category.
Since the story has been read nearly 10k times but generated limited feedback (online and off), I haven’t decided whether I’ll continue the story.
The numbers don’t add up. What’s the point of pouring yourself into something folks can be bothered to even acknowledge exist?
As mentioned before, IRE authors give of themselves and ask little in return. Sure, they love their vocation but that doesn’t make the lack of feedback any less disheartening. Positive or negative, feedback is feedback.
Imagine you’re hosting a slap-up dinner with all the trimmings – it's taken you months to plan. You've slaved over the menu, bullied venders, tossed and turned, plotted and planned for the perfect evening.
That night, all your guests arrive – hell, they even invite some of their friends. No worries. You’ve made enough for everyone. Things are looking great!
At the end of the night, the guests gulp the last of your good wine, grab some leftovers, collect their coats, and leave. No thank you. No ‘This sucked!’. No eye contact. No nothing. Just walked the hell out!
Let the gifs reflect your reactions:
At first...
Then...
Your best friend's reaction...
You're depressed BIG TIME! Self-doubt takes hold...
Fast forward two months...
You no longer sleep in the fetal position...you're back on solid foods...you've combed your hair. At the market, you run into a total stranger who raves about your party and demands you have another one with them on the guests list.
You'd be like...
That’s exactly how it feels every time an author sees their numbers increase without the corresponding feedback. Two things inextricably happen: They ask themselves why even try. Then self-doubt creeps in. It bloody sucks because they deserve better.
This post may piss off a few readers but I regret nothing! I stand with my authors – I know what they are going through – this has gotten ridiculous.
Moving on....
Readers Are Ever Vigilant!
- By Tracy Ames
- Published May 3, 2012
A group of longtime readers mentioned there was a hobbyist* who penned a one-off very similar to “Harlot” featuring only the Bishop character.I wasn’t familiar with this writer or her work so the readers sent me the link to the story.
Sure enough, it was nearly the same however, the story deviates on points of denomination and moniker: Catholic/Baptist and Bishop/Pastor respectively.
Most writers accept that no one holds the monopoly on plots, themes, and character professions. It’s all creativity and story lines are bound to overlap and intersect.
Problems arise when our fine honed characters and prose are blatantly taken.
As asking is more professional than accusing, I approached the writer privately (as is my way) and asked her to explain her story. Her response infuriates swathes of writers: Fanfiction.
Fanfiction isn’t copying someone’s work verbatim, only changing minor bits here and there. That’s stealing**.
As much as it pisses us off, we realize there are hobbyists who don’t understand the definition of fanfiction which strangely curbs our initial bloodlust.
In the end, there wasn’t a big stink. The writer sincerely apologized and removed the story. Since then, we correspond daily (both lit and personal related) and the matter is closed.
I thank the readers who brought this to my attention. You folks are the best - always on the lookout!
*Only publishes free works online
** In an effort to preserve my nerves, I won’t dive into that topic today.
Welcome Author Janet Eckford to the IRE.net Family!
- By Tracy Ames
- Published April 27, 2012
Hiya gang!Please welcome author Janet Eckford to the IRE.net family!
You’ve probably read her work and seen her poking around the site. Well, she finally joined the dark side. *evil laugh* She’ll fit right in...she's a woot!
Her first short read “I Need You Once More Before I Go” is now available. Definitely check out her work from BTP.
For excerpts and more, stop by her new haunt The Art of Fiction. You’re in for a treat.
Lady J, welcome to the fam!
Janet’s Bio:
Like most superheroes (or super-villains, depending on who’s telling the story) I live a double life. By day I'm a mild-mannered crusader for justice (or nefarious deeds, depending on who’s telling the story) and by night an indestructible creator of prose (or pathological liar, depending on who’s telling the story). I believe love shouldn’t have a color code and strive to create stories that represent that belief.