It’s a known fact that women love to hear or see men ejaculate. Some guys are really cute and cuddly when they’re coming to fruition while some have ‘O’ faces best suited for the record books. I knew I could be with Greg when I didn’t erupt into gut-wrenching laughter when I saw his ‘O’ face.

Our first tango together ended in a streaming verse of expletives and a quick prayer to Santa Claus or was it the Easter Bunny. Whatever, he was fun and his ‘O’ face was hot so I decided to keep him.


The guy I dated before Greg sounded like a malfunctioning sprinkler ….sort of like "key-key-key-key-key." Needless to say, doggystyle was my go-to position with him. At least then I could suppress my laughter and it fed his ego to see me bite the pillow. He never had a clue.


And then there was the macho screamer with childhood regression issues. He’d release this catastrophic howling scream then cover his mouth like a cartoon character—his glassy eyes widened and his face frozen in fear, shaking his head like "Oh my God, you took my cum".
It was distracting. And there were a couple of times I swore he cried.


I don't know how a male orgasm feels like and I haven’t slept with a lot of men, but I will share my observations based on my experiences and those of my acquaintances. These are the odd ones....we'll get the pretty ones later.


The Aspiring Porn Star: These men have muscle behind them. Don’t get me wrong, I love Lexington Steele but if Greg came as loudly as he does I’d wear earplugs. These men are normally the same guys who’ll rip the condom off and do their business on the nearest surface, preferably your face.


The Pirate: These men are enthralling to witness in the wild. It’s like … bam, bam, bam *face contorts* “Arrr! Eek! Arrr!!” followed by a lot of unintelligible muttering and endless yelling. I’m dying laughing just thinking about it!


The Phantom of the Opera: Theatrics is the name of the game. And done properly, it can be fairly entertaining. They can start a number of ways but most commonly begin with screaming as loud as humanly possible in a high falsetto. From there it’s fist clenching the chest, snatching the condom off with pretentious bravado, and wanking like a Tony Award depends upon it. Here, I was still distracted … I kept waiting for the curtain to fall.


The Silent but Deadly: This one is troubling on two levels. First, I couldn't tell if the guy was pleased because he was whispering. Second, he sounded like a wounded animal … and not in a good way. It starts, I think, with a gentle “Oh God” then a grunt, a wheeze, a shimmy and shake, and finally a shyly uttered, “Well, that was good.”  What was good, Mofo!?!


The Dog Whisperer: Sit Ubu sit … good dog! Rightfully, this one freaks some ladies out. It builds slowly from a couple of cute pants—to a growl and scowl—and ends with a deep heavy “Woof Woof Woof!” My girlfriend was so afraid that she literally rolled on the floor laughing. Laughter is her coping skill.


The Lemon Head: Imagine sucking on a lemon, drinking skunky beer, and realizing you've stepped in dog poo while someone sticks a piece of raw ginger up your butt. That’s the facial expression that comes with The Lemon Head! Everything sort of scrunches to the center of the face, toes curl or flare out, then it peaks with a gravely pinched tight “Oh shit.” Oh shit, indeed! I couldn’t help but laugh …


The WTF?: This one is the rarest of the bunch therefore it normally blindsides you. It begins quite ordinary; really naughty dirty talk, heavy breathing, more dirty talk…then things go from sugar to shit in a hurry. Here’s the build up: copious amounts of slurred words, some twitching, inaudible embellishments, an “Arrr!” left from his pirate past, panting panting and more panting, gripping inanimate objects real or imagined.

Here’s where it gets weird. It’s like he focuses on an obscure word and repeats it loud, louder, loudest while spazzing out.

Example: “oh scrumpets, scrumpets, SCRUmpets, SCRUmpets, SCRUMPETS, SCRUMPETS, OOOHH BLOODY SCRUMPETSSSSS!!!!” *High pitched wheeze*

By now your bearings are off. You need to refocus--regroup--weigh your options: fight or flight. It's up to you. Just remember, there can be only one survivor.
 

Feel free to share your observations. :)