“What do you do when you’re genuinely attracted to your sub?”


This was the question posed by a fellow Dom. Okay, a bit of back story before I launch into my reply.


The Dom in question, we’ll call him Ned, has been in the profession for twenty plus year. He’s strikingly handsome (bloody HOT!), well read, and unforgivably single with a thing for Sisters. Second to Bren, Ned is one of the most professional and talented pure Kink Doms I’ve met which is why I was taken aback when he asked me this question.


The first thing I thought was ‘Oh hell no! Not good! Abort!!’ This is a huge no-no unless you’re in a steady relationship with your sub. The balance of power is thrown off—mistakes can be made—feelings can be hurt—precious gear could go unused! Of course he knows all of this so I didn’t bother pointing it out. It’s plain to see that he’s really hurting. No BS, he was/is in a bad place.


He and the sub, we’ll call her Jill, met through our network of pro Kinksters. Jill sent him an introductory email and he halfheartedly replied because his work schedule was quite full. Over a three month period he felt her out and decided to do a face-to-face meeting. Yes, it does take us months to weed out the weirdos. Like I’ve said, pure Kink isn’t about hooking up and having sex; there’s loads of gray mushiness to consider.


Anyway, they met, he was pleasantly surprised, and he made her an offer to be his sub…though he wouldn’t collar her for some time. No problem, she said. Things are going great between them…better than either expected. Perfect, right?


Wrong. He’s begun having feelings for her. Strong feelings. Like ‘I wouldn’t mind having a real relationship with you’ kind of feelings. Trouble is she has no idea he feels this way and goes about her life blind to his yearnings…which makes his Dom rise…which makes her more submissive…which makes him love her more…which makes her eager to please him…which makes him appreciate her efforts…which makes her smile…which melts his heart.


Do you see the cycle? Not good.


As Dominants, we’re trained to stay somewhat detached emotionally from our subs because ultimately we’re responsible for their safety and emotional well-being. As Dominants, we adhere to our subs hard and fast breakpoints while pushing their limits. We’re expected to feel without feeling; to care without caring. We’re expected to balance it all while minding the lines we Do Not cross. This is especially true when the sub isn’t our spouse/lover*. It’s not easy because we have to be tuned into our subs needs in scene and out. This is why I sneer when people make degrading comments about Doms. They don’t have a clue as to the pressure we’re under!


Moving on.


Its one thing to write about a Dom and sub crossing the line but in real life where there are feelings and reputations involved it’s more complex. This is where Ned finds himself. He knows better than anyone the power subs have over Doms. One small look from them can give us goose bumps. He’s long past goose bumps for this one folks.


What’s my advice? First, he needs to distance himself from her and sort out his own feelings…and understand that his choice could negatively impact his reputation. If there’s the slightest chance his affection won’t be reciprocated he might wanna spike it and move on. Second, he needs to have an open and honest talk with her. If she feels the same for him then fine…if not, then he’s buried himself and he’ll have to deal with the consequences. Trust me, the consequences aren’t going to be pretty.


I don't mean to sound like I'm hating. I'm not. Here's the thing: Submission is a desire for someone else to take charge. They, the subs, have confidence in our ability to not only provide them a safe enivornment where they can surrender into that altered state called subspace but also to bring them back to real life unharmed and better than before. Therein, Doms have a heavy cross to bear. We have to be present at all times. Anything that hinders us from thinking clearly (crushes) have to be done away with or at least sorted out. Control is the key word here. Control at all times.


Knowing Ned and his method of training, Jill is head over heels for him. He’s an amazing man and whatever happens I wish them the best.



* Spouse/lover to sub = Good old sexiness
  sub to Spouse/lover = Convoluted career ending mess with a thousand invisible strings attached. Tread carefully.